who nose

Job hunting in a tough market is a real mood killer; it can seriously mess with your self-esteem as you navigate the interview gauntlet. I waited anxiously for a callback from DA, and it felt like the longest week of my life, as if I were running a marathon in high heels.

My anxiety levels skyrocketed, leading to a rapid decline in appetite. I've been eating less but snacking more, developing an embarrassing craving for pork rolls - something I used to despise. My taste buds have gone rogue, and I've devoured countless Ferrero Rochers and Mamee noodles. At one point, I pondered how wrong it would be to die from sheer gluttony. After all, it is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason.

In my incoherent state, I devised a plan to sit at home, gorge on all the glorious food my heart desired, and slowly succumb to indulgence. Picture me sprawled on the most luxurious couch imaginable, living the ultimate couch potato fantasy. But fearing ridicule, I eventually dragged myself out of my pyjamas and abandoned this pathetic dream. Just then, reality called - literally. My phone rang with news of a second interview appointment with DA.

I met with the GM, a laid-back guy with a dry sense of humour and hat hair. Instead of a stuffy boardroom interview, he took me to a nearby café for a casual chat. Interviews are one of my strong suits, so I wasn't nervous. We had a comfortable conversation as I sipped my peach iced tea, while my potential boss assessed my ability to impress within an hour. Between discussions on Database Marketing and Opportunity Optimisation, he asked if I was Eurasian. I made him laugh by crediting his misperception to my dark eyeliner and inheriting my mother’s high-bridged nose.

God is truly gracious to me, blessing me with employment in such dire economic conditions. Who knows when the recession will end, other than God? It's comforting to know that His plan is perfect, even when we don't understand it yet...

the famous four

In a relationship, there are countless four-letter words in the English language that never cease to excite, please, and amuse. The most popular one is undoubtedly the one beginning with L, but there's too much controversy and predicament associated with that one. It relies upon the delicate measure of time, place, the individual delivering it, reciprocated affection, and mood. Sparkling in the right context, but hard to easily enjoy.

My personal favourite would have to be S-A-L-E. I love how it can jump out at me without warning. It is candy to my eyes; the beautiful, bold red four-letter word hanging on a clothing store window is like red wine to my lips. I can indulge in this one without stressing about the ramifications. Impulsive, uncomplicated, no consequences. Though, my bank balance begs to differ.

Due to some company restructuring, my position was made redundant. It was a blessing in disguise because I needed a reason to move on with my career, to branch out and find something more challenging and rewarding. Thankfully, I've found myself a new job that offers both, and I start in mid-March. Since these work changes were unexpected, I didn't have time to organise a short vacation to cover the next couple of weeks. Consequently, the only trips I'm taking are to the shopping mall, where the siren call of S-A-L-E lures me in. If I’m not careful, I’ll end up tangled in every shopper’s nightmare: the dreaded four-letter word, debt.

tree house

When I was little, I imagined what having my own family would be like. I wanted to live on a farm, inspired by Charlotte's Web, where I wouldn't be disturbed by anyone other than my husband, of course. I would collect eggs every morning to make breakfast and talk to the animals when I was annoyed at my husband. My husband and I would have a giant tree house in our backyard. 

Now, at 25, I no longer want to live on a farm, but I still want my own tree house - a place where I can seek refuge from modern life.

one hit wonder

Adobe Dreamweaver CS3 and Fireworks CS3 training sessions are now marked in my work calendar. My colleague finds my enthusiasm for software training amusing, noting that I’m not usually one to get excited about such things. Maybe it’s the nerd inside me making a comeback after a decade-long hiatus. I miss that nerd.

This feels like being an 18-year-old trapeze artist, reminiscing about peak moments and wondering if everything is downhill from here. Knowing that my last perfect swing won’t be repeated and that my headstand routine will never again have the same flair.

Don’t tell me I’m being melodramatic; I know I am. I’m not fishing for compliments.

It’s just hard being human sometimes.

Deep down, I know I’m a unique and perfect creation of Christ, loved with a sacrificial love that envelops all the darkness in my life. But stuck in this human shell, I have days of anguish, like anyone else who dares to admit it. Lately, I've been struggling with my self-worth. Maybe it’s my successful friends to blame - most of whom are Law graduates and IT whizzes. I’m usually content with myself, but sometimes I wonder if I could be more.

Sometimes I wish my life was different. If I had studied hard and attended school and university like an obedient daughter, I might have turned out better. But the truth is, I peaked in junior high. By senior school, I was lazy, rebellious, and too stubborn to do things the proper way. With my previously impressive academic record and my innocent exterior - crisp white blouse and neat pleated skirt - I got away with skipping classes and late assignments. I figured it was okay to take shortcuts as long as the results were almost the same. I taught myself that words could take you further than works; I let my charm lead the way rather than my effort because humans are fickle and tend to play favourites.

Most days, I’m a happy girl. I appreciate my job and like my colleagues (only saying that because I know one of them has access to this blog site). I’ve been blessed with this position, even though I’m under qualified and just interviewed well. I’m thankful for my job and the positive feedback from my superiors.

But some days, I feel like a one-hit wonder.

procrastination

Work is really relaxing, and I can go at my own pace. I usually don't mind the laid-back environment, but I'm starting to feel that my job isn't challenging enough. I used to work at a mind-numbing job and would resort to doing word or number puzzles just to get some brain exercise, as I could feel my brain deteriorating. I think I'll die of boredom if I don't stimulate my mind. I'm always deep in thought, but occasionally, I find myself worrying about trivial things. I need to channel my thoughts to serious matters. Instead of shopping on eBay for better value, I should focus on how to save my money for the future. Instead of assessing which restaurants are fine to dine at, I should consider taking up cooking classes to prepare myself for married life someday.

I plan to make plans. I'm guilty of thinking, "there's always tomorrow." I waste too much time. Like right now, I should be catching up on my reading, but here I am, writing about how I plan to catch up on my reading. I procrastinate too often. Then there are the times when distractions get the best of me. I check emails, blog, check eBay, and surf for random stuff on the net.

Maybe I get overwhelmed too easily. I get too tired thinking about daily things. How did I handle life at 19 when I juggled two casual jobs, studied full-time, and squeezed in a social life too? When I was feeling adventurous, I also threw a love life into my busy schedule.

I feel like the less responsibility I have, the more stressed out I am over those responsibilities. I've been busying myself with personal and church commitments, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough. I was able to juggle multiple tasks in the past, but I've gone rusty and I'm not on top of my game anymore. My workday planner is rarely filled up, but just one or two errands would get me worked up. A blank page fills me with despair. I can't seem to find the right balance.

lately

Work's been great. The Advertising Manager amuses me. She is my senior but is dependent and silly. She's the type that makes you want to help her because she's so lost. She's a classic damsel in distress. I absolutely adore her because, for the first time in my life, someone else is more clueless than me. She asks me to help her with funny things like putting the SIM card into her new mobile. She is so lovely and sweet; I just want to plait her hair and feed her grapes. We coincidentally wore the same dress to work, which I think has made us closer than ever. We totally bonded.

I bought RD cologne for Valentine's Day, which was a bad idea because it didn't occur to me that my sense of smell was quite poor. I went shopping with a male friend who insisted that my boyfriend would love the scent and that all the girls wouldn't be able to resist any man wearing it. I wondered why my friend thought that was a good selling point, advising me to purchase cologne for my boyfriend to attract other girls. He wasn't counting me as one of those girls because he should know about my bad sense of smell! Fortunately, I'm secure enough to not let this possibility bother me. My only worry is whenever RD asks me to detect what cologne he's wearing. I'm just going to keep guessing that he's wearing my cologne until told otherwise.

job seeking

The commercials during morning talk shows told me to get off my butt and get an associate's degree as a paralegal or train as a police officer. So, I ate another chocolate bar. The talk shows themselves indicated that boxer shorts and t-shirts weren't in fashion, so I accessorised with hoop earrings. All this just made me a little nervous. How on earth did the major TV networks find out that I was unemployed?

I've been on "holidays" for over a month now. I used to work 12 hours a day, so I thought I deserved this break. It came as a surprise when I realised that I wasn't cut out to be a full-time bum. I was rather relieved by that discovery, actually. I believed that my body wasn't built for hard labour, so I quit my job and retired early. Just kidding, I'm job-seeking at the moment. It used to be so much easier, especially when companies returned my phone calls.

Everyone is apparently too busy to recruit these days. How am I supposed to get a job if they don't interview me? Or is it my fault if someone else is more qualified than me? How rude. It requires a lot of skills to handle rejection, and I've come to master that art. I'm feeling discouraged, a little anxious, and frankly, I'm just tired from job hunting. Job seeking should be considered a full-time job.

wasted talent

I have a confession to make: I'm a closet Hilary Duff fan. Her songs are catchy, even if the lyrics are terrible. And while I’m at it, I might as well admit I also like The Veronicas. Right now, I’m listening to their new song “When It Falls Apart” and debating whether to google the lyrics… just so I can sing along at work. LN will not be thrilled - she says my “singing” scares the customers.

Today, while I was in the office (aka the storeroom) doing magazine returns, I thought I’d be considerate by closing the door so I could sing my heart out. When I emerged, I asked LN if she heard me, and she nodded with a look of sheer disgust. I noticed a magazine left outside the door… I guess she didn’t want to interrupt my one-person karaoke session.

Clearly, I’m in the wrong industry.

thinking outside the box

I was rummaging through our kitchen and accidentally knocked over a bottle of fish sauce, the pure kind with no added sugar. The sauce splattered everywhere, and the kitchen reeked of dead fish. Oh, why did we have to be Vietnamese? My mum and sister weren't home to (help me) clean up, so I had to get on my hands and knees to wipe up the mess. My dad and the boys (Chino and Socks) just stood around watching - typical males. I'd love to end up with a guy who'd cook and clean. I'd be glad to be the breadwinner, as I don't mind being the one to wear the pants in a relationship. Or perhaps I haven't met anyone who could 'lead' me.

Speaking of cooking, when am I supposed to start learning these sorts of things? I asked my mum when she learned how to cook, and she replied, "since I was in sixth grade." Well, duh, that's because there was a war going on at the time, so she was thrown into the role of being a mother to her many siblings. If there was a war right now, I'm sure I'd magically morph into a responsible adult too. Mother wasn't impressed and told me to start praying for a good husband, one who would tolerate my laziness, clumsiness & uselessness. I told her that with this face, I wouldn't have any trouble finding a sucker to marry me. So she retracted her comment and recommended that I be a spinster, already showing her condolence to the unfortunate soul who was going to end up with me. I don't think my mother understands me; I have big dreams! I enlightened her about my dreams, and she advised me to wake up.

This is my last week at CBA. I'll hopefully be out of the corporate world for a while. After three years of being cooped up in an office, I'm sick of this routine, so I'm going to step out there and take a breath of fresh air. It all started with the usual emailing marathon that LN and I have at work. When you have that much time to email, you start to question what sort of profession you're in, or maybe we're just outstanding at multitasking. Our regular series of gibberish led to a serious discussion about where we were at and where we should be.

I'm an unconventional person, so don't expect me to stick with a typical 9-5 job for the rest of my life. I'm impatient, yet ambitious (deluded) - what a rare combination. You often hear about success stories of people with great accomplishments, who are well-established and who’ve moved onto writing How-To-Get-Rich books. These self-help books were published to educate and inspire us to think outside the box, but do they give us the courage to take that giant leap? I frequently wonder where I'd be in ten years' time - if I had made something out of my life or if I’d still be wondering where I'd be in another ten years.

cattiness

It's been my experience that I find it easier to communicate with male employers in job interviews. They tend to be more accommodating and pleasant compared to female employers, who can sometimes come across as more competitive. I think I prefer working under male supervisors because they seem more understanding and compassionate. I've noticed weird tension with all my previous female bosses, maybe I am a lesbian? Just kidding.

I don't want to disparage my own gender, but I've found that females can sometimes be difficult to work with. There can be elements of competitiveness and assertiveness that come off as challenging. Men, on the other hand, are straightforward; you do your job well, and they're happy with your performance. They rarely question your methods. From a professional standpoint, it seems tougher to meet a woman's expectations across the board!

stuck in a rut

Looking for a new job is a bit like searching for a new boyfriend. You start with an idea of what you want, read through job descriptions that catch your eye, and go on interviews hoping to find the right fit. It's a bit like dating - juggling different companies can be exhausting.

Like dating, companies can look promising from a distance, but after the interview, you realise it's not the right match. I'm eager for a new job, but I refuse to settle for just any position. After three interviews, I'm starting to appreciate my current job more. It's like being in a long-term relationship where occasional doubts make you wonder what else is out there. People leave relationships for various reasons, often because they're not ready to settle down and want to explore other options. However, playing the field isn't always as exciting as it seems. You might go on numerous dates in search of Mr Right, only to settle for Mr Right Now.

Knowing what you want can be harder than knowing what you don't want. For instance, I know I don't want a job with an 8:30am start time or a long commute. Seeing what else is out there has made me realise how good I have it now. My current company is ranked highly as a great place to work, and it's globally recognised.

Roaming the CBD for job prospects is exhausting. Meeting new companies and exploring new opportunities has dampened my enthusiasm. After these interviews, I can confidently say that none of the other companies come close to matching what I have now. There was no spark, no chemistry. I doubt I'll find another boss as nice as mine or an office located conveniently near food courts and a train station. I truly appreciate where I am.

Sure, my current job has its challenges and unresolved issues, but maybe it's worth giving it another chance. After being here for a while, perhaps a bit more patience could make it even better. Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in a rut, but there's a comfort in knowing I have something stable to rely on. For now, I'm content in my rut because it's mine.

how to win friends and influence people

Today, I have an interview with a recruitment agency. I'm debating whether to wear eyeliner - a small step toward breaking out of my rut. I'm hopeful they'll help me find a better job so I can gather the courage to leave my current one. This Thursday, I have a meeting with my boss about my future development plan and ambitions. I doubt my boss would be pleased if my only ambition is to leave this company.

As for the self-help book I'm reading, "How To Win Friends And Influence People," should I feel embarrassed? I initially borrowed it a few months ago because the title amused me, and I was curious about its content. It had been gathering dust on my shelf, but after hearing good reviews, I decided to give it a read. Perhaps reading it on a crowded train wasn't the best idea; people can be judgmental. I think I caught an old lady giving me sympathetic looks while I was absorbed in my book this morning.

Since work was slow, I continued reading. Interestingly, my colleagues have started offering to get me coffee and other things. Looks like the self-help book is already having an effect!

zero tolerance for numbers

I've been stressing at work over stupid accounting crap (I HATE dealing with numbers) and I swear never to work in a job with numbers again. This brings me to my next problem. My job used to revolve around marketing, but since my manager is an accountant (for the marketing team), I do a bit of accounting here and there. From having little involvement, it has now progressed to a significant portion of my duties, and I'm afraid that my job will become half accounting. The role I interviewed for was part-time Marketing Administrator!

I'm starting to wish I had paid more attention when I took that Accounting subject last year. I wish I hadn't copied Caz's homework or fluked my way through exams. How could I have known that I'd need accounting in life? Maybe it's my fault; I keep saying how easy my job is, so now they're giving me more to do. My boss says that he'll go over more accounting tasks with me next month so I can check our journal ledgers and blah blah blah. Kill me, kill me now. I don't mind numbers, little numbers are fine. But, when you ask me to figure out expenses that exceed six digits, then yes, I do have a problem with it. I don't want to be responsible for monitoring so much money (that's not even mine!).

My boss and I spent a few hours trying to find the missing figures and allocate them to the right places. I was hoping for some drama at work, like an employee trying to steal the company's money by manipulating the system, but it turned out to be just someone coding the amounts to the wrong accounts. I kept thinking it was my fault whenever there was an amount out of place, like as if I had somehow morphed into a genius and transferred the money into my own bank account. I felt so relieved when everything was in order. When I saw 0, it meant that everything was balanced and for once in my life, 0 was an indication of success.

time is money

I'm 21 years and 14 ½ months old, and I haven't achieved anything. I feel disheartened. People my age are working full-time and some even have their own property. I don't even have a savings account! I keep cruising along, half awake at uni, completely asleep at work. I'm not really striving to do my best at anything, and before I know it, I'm running out of time. I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME, PEOPLE!

:: The Plan ::

* Finish my degree in a year's time and graduate from university 

* Apply for a full time position for a higher role at the same company

* Invest, buy my first property

* Find a sucker to marry me

* Live happily ever after

:: The Reality ::

* Drop out of university and bum off parents

facade

I've been catching up with my primary school best friend. She just graduated with a degree in Economics and is now working. We're currently emailing each other at work, and I’m slowly corrupting her, showing her the ropes. I’m turning her to the dark side, teaching her the fine art of abusing email privileges in the workplace. She thinks I'm a bludger, but who doesn't? However, I think we should define the term "bludger" before we go pointing any fingers.

Main Entry: bludge
Definition: To shirk or avoid work; also bludge on
Etymology: Back formation of bludger 'someone who imposes'
Usage: Australian slang; bludged, bludging

After a minute of research, I’d like to defend myself here. By this definition, I’m not a bludger. I always get everything done at work. I’m an expert at what I do, so I have plenty of free time to do whatever I wish. I have the right to do that. I’m extremely bored at work because there is no challenge, so I resort to emailing friends, blog surfing, checking eBay, and watching my nails grow. As long as I get my work done, where’s the harm? I haven't had any complaints from my superiors; they actually think I’m a hard worker. See, I have this split personality when it comes to work. I’m like a completely different person.

I’m beginning to wonder if it's healthy because it feels like I’m leading two lives, well, more like juggling multiple personalities. At work, I’m this passive, quiet girl who has no social life. Every time my colleagues ask me what I did on the weekend, I tell them I was studying. This way, I don't have to engage in conversations that would exceed more than two minutes. I’ve recently brought headphones to work for my mp3s, so any chances left of me socialising with other people are out the window. According to my workmates, I’m this genius who studies all day and night. I usually come to work late, so I feel morally obligated to stay back after work (just so I won’t look like a bludger, but really, all I ever do when I stay back is surf the internet), so everyone at work thinks I don't have a life. Which is exactly what I wanted them to think... but now I've changed my mind.

So there you have it, I need to get a new job, change companies because it’s too late to start over with these people. I can't just turn up tomorrow and be myself; I’ve already labeled myself as the quiet antisocial girl, so I’m stuck with it. I need a fresh start because I can’t go on pretending like this. I have nightmares about bumping into work people in the outside world; they will see a different girl from the one they know at work. And I will be exposed.