relief without grief

It’s been over six months since I ended a thirty-year friendship, and I don’t miss her. No regret, no curiosity. Her absence is a relief. Good riddance.

But the anger stayed.

It’s sharp and active. I’ll be walking the dogs, doing laundry, getting a manicure, and a memory cuts in. A sour moment I once shrugged off now reads like evidence: the way I’d give her an inch and she’d act entitled to a mile.

The real injury is self-betrayal. That’s what rattles me. I expected grief, but it never came. I got a clean exit and leftover rage. The right outcome, the wrong aftertaste.

My mind keeps running inventory: every time I ignored my instincts, swallowed a cheap shot, and rationalised behaviour I didn’t respect. Each flashback lights the match again.

Embarrassment sits under the fury. Shame is the splinter, and anger is my body trying to yank it out.

She started as background noise in my life, and I assumed she’d fade out on her own. She trailed my circle, and we couldn’t ditch her. I adjusted instead of drawing a boundary. People warned me, but I didn’t listen, defending her instead. I pride myself on being inclusive, and sympathy traps me, so I let her in.

Onlookers called me loyal, but they meant blind. I knew it and kept going. The embarrassing truth is the real gamble was my ego. I doubled down, stubbornly backing a lame horse. I didn’t want to lose face after I’d vouched for her, but instead I lost time, energy, and self-respect.

In dating, I leave at the first red flag. I protect my peace. I didn’t apply that same discipline to friendship, and that inconsistency is what stings.

When I think of my high school best friends, CP & LN, I’m flooded with warm nostalgia. We had that rare kind of closeness that made ordinary days unforgettable, ridiculous laughter and spontaneous adventures that turned into favourite stories I still tell my children.

With her, it was just habit. Nothing heartfelt. No memories that make me smile.

That contrast hurts. It shows me what genuine connection looks like, and how long I confused tolerance with sisterhood.

mad blood

I hate how difficult it is to get over it. Once I cut someone off, they’re gone for good. No being cordial. No “but people change.” Jenny in 7th grade was my first proof: I wrote her off, and she turned out to be an awful person. That’s why I trust my judgment, and why part of me thinks this vendetta is justified.

My mind keeps replaying what they did, stirring the same anger over and over. Imagining them laughing and unbothered only adds fuel. I wish I could erase it, or at least stop giving it so much power. They’re out there sleeping just fine, probably not thinking about it, while I’m stuck carrying resentment and wishing them harm.

Sometimes the rage hits so hard I want to fire off a mean text just to relieve it. Texting feels therapeutic because it tells my nervous system, “That was real. That mattered. There should be a consequence.” What makes it worse is knowing it only hurts me. There are a few parasites I’m embarrassed I ever let close, who still irritate me every time I remember them, like a mosquito I can hear but can’t swat. I want to be the kind of person who chooses peace over bitterness. But sometimes spite smothers logic, and letting go is letting them win.

I admire how easily my eldest daughter can brush things off, just like her dad. I’m glad she didn’t inherit my petty genes. She’s already over last year’s friendship squabbles, while I’m still holding a grudge against a couple of teenagers.

home for christmas

Christmas used to be just another day in my childhood. We didn’t celebrate, except for one year when my brother staged a concert at home with our cousins: dancing, singing, and gifts. It was chaotic and fun, and for a moment it felt like we belonged to something festive. Then it ended. That was our one and only Christmas party.

Years later, I found Christmas again through friends. Their meals, their traditions, and the kindness of being invited in gave it the shape I’d always imagined, even though I still felt like a guest.

In time, I came to understand what sits at the heart of this season: the birth of Jesus Christ. I met a partner who held the same faith, and together we laid a foundation anchored in it. Christmas no longer felt borrowed. It was something I could share with my loved ones, and it finally felt like home.

berry nervous picker

Nothing makes me second-guess myself more than the task of picking strawberries. I just watched a lady grab a punnet without even checking or comparing it to twenty others - imagine having that kind of carefree attitude. Meanwhile, I spend ten minutes analysing and still never leave the supermarket feeling confident in my choice.