Lately, I’ve become more conscious of my money, especially with some recent lifestyle transitions. My full-time student status has significantly curbed my spending tendencies. Money's presence often goes unnoticed until my wallet becomes lighter; that's when its absence feels heavier than a bag of coins.
My parents are generous people, so money has never been an issue at home. I was raised with the mentality of "money comes, money goes." It’s similar to the concept of good and bad karma (something I don’t buy into). In my naivety, I believed that if you gave to someone, someone else would give back to you. It was a natural money cycle that God invented to keep us balanced. It didn’t mean that I expected my generosity to be reciprocated, but that false assurance funded my social charities.
I understood the value of money at a young age and knew how to manage my finances. I could easily treat a friend to a meal just out of courtesy or give an acquaintance some cash if they were short (have you noticed how some people never have cash on them and are always looking for an ATM?). I was happy to cover parking and petrol fees even though I drove everyone there. I didn’t hesitate to lend people money and trusted that they would remember to return it as soon as possible.
Resentment built up over the years. In high school, a classmate (we weren’t friends) asked me for a pacer lead because she ran out. Since I was well-stocked with stationery, I became her silent supplier. I gave her two leads, one for the road. She probably took that as an invitation to unlimited lead sponsorship because, for the rest of that year, she didn’t bother buying her own and relied on me for pacer leads. I figured that she was from a poor family because why would any loving parent deprive their child of pacer leads?
I also had a series of books that I lent out to friends, creating my own little library. My zealous spirit encouraged others to share my passion. My bookworm alter ego wanted to recruit readers to join my three-member book club (the other two members are still my best friends to this day). Those so-called friends did not take care of my precious books, and more often than not, the books came back used and abused, stained and shredded. It was beyond me how that could happen since I covered them with clear contact and also a plastic jacket for extra protection. It broke my heart every time one of my babies came back damaged. It still hurts when I think of it now.
I loved giving presents. I was excited to buy close friends gifts on their birthdays and Christmas, even though it wasn't mutual. It didn't bother me because it made me feel good to give, but it hurt me when I caught them re-gifting. (Who are all these horrible people, and why was/am I still friends with them?! Ha.)
Because I was kind to my friends, I was compensated with loving boyfriends who made it their business to spoil me rotten. (Please refer to the money cycle theory.)
Recently, my laidback attitude shifted into bitter gear. Now, I am careful with my money, reserving my generosity for the less fortunate and those who deserve it. I also avoid lending out small notes because they seem to vanish into thin air. A dozen of the $5 notes can add up to a nice skirt. I dislike owing people money or anything for that matter. I don’t understand how some people can just sit on this burden and delay loan repayments. Out of all of my friends, I know who is flexible with money and who isn’t, and it’s just a personality flaw that I have to accept.
Though, I get along better with friends who have better things to do than count every cent. You can tell that you’re close to someone when there is no need to split the bill. “I’ll take it this time, you can cover the next tab.” No big deal. Trust. Honesty. For those who are more comfortable paying individually, I’m not going to fight it. Sorry folks, I’m not a walking ATM and I have a mortgage to pay.
