attention, attention!

Reflecting on my erratic behaviour, I realised how immature I was, often fighting pointless battles within the relationship and ultimately defeating myself. I would become consumed with the need to contact him, feeling panicked and paranoid when unable to reach my boyfriend. The dreaded message "The Vodafone number you have dialled is switched off, please try again later" struck fear into me, as if someone had turned off my life support. I'd obsessively redial, ignoring the operator's advice to wait.

It's not healthy to fixate on constant communication or demand to be heard and understood all the time. My redial key was worn out from overuse, a symbol of my stubbornness and impatience. I'd escalate situations, flooding others with texts after minor disagreements, expecting apologies that rarely came. Normal people, I realised, possess self-control and patience - qualities I often lacked. Once, in a fit of frustration, I sent a long, abusive email to him, only to receive a disarmingly calm response: "I like your smile." It was a moment of clarity. My antics were childish, causing needless strife and self-inflicted damage. In those struggles, I wasn’t fighting with my boyfriend; I was wrestling with myself, losing more than just arguments along the way.

phat

Who says you need to be busty to look hot? Look at her flat stomach! I love this shot; it makes me want to strip off my clothes and run across the grass in my front yard, with the sprinklers spraying water on me.

I tried to strike this pose on my webcam to show my best friend, but she burst out laughing. I had shown her the photo I was trying to imitate before attempting it on the webcam. She did have some good suggestions, though. "Haha, your boobs need to be smaller!" Well, isn't that just fantastic? Let me just deflate my breasts, and then I'll be on my merry way to Sexytown.

I think I need to hit the gym for a whole decade before I can have a body like that. It's too bad I'm allergic to exercising. I've only been dragged to the gym twice in my entire life, and both times I had trouble breathing after two minutes on the treadmill. My face turned into a tomato, and I saw stars every time I blinked. Maybe I didn't warm up properly. Ah, it just wasn't meant to be. My sister used to do aerobics at home; I supported her by sitting on our couch, encouraging her to keep going, while happily munching on a bar of chocolate and teasingly waving it at her every now and then.

drift

I've got it all but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go?
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go?

:: Stacie Orrico - (There's Gotta Be) More To Life

                                  ~*~ 

This is about as honest as I could be with myself.
How often do you find yourself reaching for thin air?

I want someone to talk to during my drives, anywhere. Mostly though, from 5:30 pm to 11:59 pm on weeknights. Someone who has nothing better to do but email me when I'm at work or text me for no reason, just to say nothing. Just so I know, someone out there wants to be informed about the events in my life. Just so I can have that last phone call of the day. There are days when I just miss hearing, "Goodnight, baby." But there is not a single day when I don't wonder, what if... Although the thought only lasts a nanosecond, it still crosses my mind, nonetheless. One day I'll forget to wonder... That will be the day I clear my mind of any lingering thoughts.

(not so) sweet november

Do you remember the first time when you liked someone and they liked you back? It's been a while, but I reminisce about those innocent days filled with optimism and hope. Uncorrupted by a messy history, uncluttered by heart-rending experiences, you were ready to trust, to fall in love, and to live happily ever after.

It's been so long since I acted silly, and I want to feel like a carefree kid again. I miss being a teenager, being able to act stupidly cute because a crush noticed my attempts to grab his attention. I miss catching the late bus just to glimpse his wonderful smile, flirting like an amateur, and holding his hand as if it was made for mine. Puppy love is such a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Have you ever caught yourself comparing a new relationship to a previous one? There was a phase when I thought I'd never like another guy because I was so head-over-heels in love with my ex-boyfriend. Maybe it was because it was my first love, leading me to assume we can only have one great love in our life?

I think it's time to bid farewell to those old feelings. I don't want to overlook any new potential feelings. I love the rush of liking someone new - the butterflies, the inability to eat or sleep because you're so smitten (yeah, I can be obsessive, I mean passionate like that). It's sad to leave my comfort zone and seek happiness elsewhere, but my comfort zone now feels cold and deserted, and you know how I hate being home alone...  

It’s already November. The year is almost over, and it has been raining for the last few days. I hope it continues until next year - a fitting way to say goodbye to 2004.