a tail of two sons

I once pictured a life filled with sons, but God had other plans and blessed me with daughters. So, I decided to adopt two male dogs to bring a little balance to the mix. I had even chosen my favourite boy’s name long before any pregnancy, Anakin, but my husband vetoed it, worrying our child might be teased at school. Little did we know, it turned out to be the perfect name for a dog, earning compliments on every walk.

As for Logan, he was named after a TV character I had a major crush on from Veronica Mars. True to his namesake, Logan is a reformed bad boy, charming, mischievous, and with a soulful gaze that helps you forget he’s ever been naughty. He’s got that undeniable charisma that makes it impossible to stay mad at him, no matter what trouble he stirs up. 

And so unfolds this unexpected tale: of a girl mum who found her sons in two furry companions. These two are my boys, and I love them more than I ever thought possible.

grieving

Pets are more than just animals kept in the home; they are beloved members of the family and cherished friends. Unfortunately, the joy of owning a pet is often accompanied by the heartbreak of losing one. Whether due to old age, illness, or an accident, the pet you love will inevitably pass away.

When a person you love dies, it's natural to feel sorrow, express grief, and expect friends and family to provide understanding and comfort. Sadly, this understanding is not always extended when the one who died was a pet. Those who have never owned a pet might not comprehend that animals offer companionship, acceptance, emotional support, and unconditional love. They might consider grieving inappropriate for someone who has lost "just a pet." But nothing could be further from the truth.

I spent two entire days crying over my baby, Sox. My mum still cries almost every morning and some nights. He was part of the family, so when our beloved Sox died, we were overwhelmed by the intensity of our sorrow. For a whole week, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I teared up when I came home and he wasn't there to greet me. I became emotional when I saw the full bowl of dog food because he wasn't around to finish it off. 

I miss waking up to his dancing eyes and his eagerness to be near me. I miss him tugging on my blanket to wake me up because he wanted to get onto my bed. I miss curling up with him to watch a DVD. I miss playing peekaboo with him. I miss kissing and hugging him. I miss everything about him.

I think the one who misses Sox the most is his brother, Chino, who is recovering from leg surgery. They spent every day together for six years. He made whiney noises that I assumed were equivalent to crying and ran around the house looking for his best friend. He sat by the door, watching and waiting. We told him that Sox had gone to sleep. On the third day, he finally understood, or perhaps he finally accepted the truth and stopped searching for Sox. He then began to grieve. 

The whole family is still grieving. It's healthy that we're not holding it in because understanding how to grieve and finding ways to cope with our loss can bring us closer to the day when memories bring smiles instead of tears.

good night and sweet dreams

I still remember the first time I met you. I knew immediately that I’d take you home with me. Your clown face always brought a smile to mine. Your chilled-out attitude and naivety made you easy to love. The way you waddled your fat bottom and swayed your hips made everyone laugh. You were the cutest creature I’d ever known. Your clinginess made me feel needed, and your heavy steps brought life to the house. 

I’ll never forget how you cheered me up through break ups and our cosy naps together; you were the warmest and most cuddly teddy bear I’ve ever had. You were one of the brightest sparks in my life. I regret not being there to see you take your last breath, to hold you in my arms, and to look into your eyes before you closed them forever. 

I regret being selfish and not prioritising your safety and comfort over my busy social life. I regret neglecting you when you needed me most and feeling you were an inconvenience when you wanted my attention. I regret not letting you on my bed yesterday morning when you stood by the edge, and I rolled over to avoid you. I regret not giving you the love and care you deserved. I regret not checking to see if you were okay or kissing you goodbye this morning when I left the house, like I usually do. 

I am so sorry, Sox. I hope you died painlessly, that you were just dizzy and wanted to rest, and then you fell into a deep sleep. I know how much you loved sleeping, so I hope you’re happy where you are now. It breaks my heart to know that I’ll never see your happy face again.

May you rest in peace, my baby boy.

bad haircut

RD and I usually spend Saturdays together, but he was off all day getting his diving certification, leaving me wondering what to do with myself. Normally, I'm not this attached to my boyfriend, but it was one of those days.

So, I took my 5-year-old cousin Alex to my friend's shop opening, then we wandered around until I decided to get a haircut. I often cut my hair out of sheer boredom. Feeling particularly nonchalant this afternoon, I told the hairdresser to do whatever she thought best. Big mistake. Now I have more layers than a wedding cake, and it looks almost like a mullet.

We've all had that salon experience where we leave feeling less than fabulous. I remember being 8 years old when my mother forced me to get a haircut. I squirmed and cried as the stylist snipped away. I made such an impression that, 18 years later, the hairdresser still tells me that story whenever I see her.

I’m starting to understand why my dog, Chino, hates haircuts. He never gets a say in the length and always ends up sulking for hours afterward. His first haircut was a disaster. When I picked him up, my fluffy puppy looked like a drowned rat. I wanted to cry but held it together for his sake. I kept repeating his name to make sure he was really mine. His face looked ridiculous, with his big nose even more noticeable. He literally looked pathetic. When we got home, he ran under the bed and refused to come out until dinner. I think he was too embarrassed to face Sox and the other neighbourhood dogs. OK, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but still.

Maybe I should hang out with Chino for the rest of the day, because at least he could relate and sympathise with me.

If anyone wants me, I'll be under the bed.

home beautification

This afternoon, I was watering my mum's two guava trees and noticed that they were still alive and much happier in this cool weather. I could see the birds dancing around them, so I devised a plan to keep the birds off. I assigned Chino, my dog, to be our official security guard. He loves to chase birds away from our yard, likely because he's territorial.

The birds usually fly and land on the tree as refuge from him. I once caught Chino trying to climb the guava tree. I don't think he understands that dogs cannot climb trees. But with his presence, the birds are too scared to peck at the fruits. Being the angel that my mother was, she insisted on leaving food out for the birds. After some intricate and complicated physics work, I was able to calculate how high to place the bird feeder so that it would be impossible for Chino to jump from the ground to the feeder without a serious concussion. Thankfully, my dog is a mathematical creature, as he hasn't broken any limbs. My plan is working like a charm because the guava trees seem healthier and the birds are whistling outside my window as I type.

While in our backyard, I saw three elaborate spider webs on our fence. The patterns were gorgeous and probably took those little spiders hours to create. So, I went inside, grabbed my Raid can, and sprayed all three. I hate spiders. The webs were not ruined (can't say the same for the spiders), and in fact, the glistening whiteness of the toxic spray left them looking very distinguished in the afternoon sun. I think the spiders were secretly pleased with the free touch of home beautification I supplied, though they were apparently too busy choking to death on the poison to truly express their gratitude.

tell sox that i love him

This morning, like every other morning, I debated whether to wake up for either work or uni. Waking up is the hardest part of my day; I'm still sleepy after I get dressed, and it's only when I'm on my way to the train station that I fully wake up. My mum drives me to the station every morning, and let's just say she is not the best driver in the world.

When you're sitting in the car with my mother, you have to be focused because it's vital to scream out, "Mum, watch out! There's a car next to us!" when she blindly changes lanes. It's also important to be aware of your surroundings, especially when you turn to look outside and find your car almost being squashed by a big truck. Don't be alarmed if you notice that your car is driving too close to the edge of the road - 1cm from the curb and about to hit that cute innocent little boy on his bicycle. Resist the urge to strangle yourself with the seatbelt (even if it seems like a more appealing fate) because, somehow, the mother figure has everything under control. 😬

Being stuck in this death seat every morning has taught me to be wide awake as my life hangs in the balance. My mum has her Gold license, mind you, but like most older Asian women, she can't drive for peanuts. I dare not speak to her while she's driving, as it would distract her from the road and kill us both. I listen to her talk, though; she sees this as an opportunity to bond. Maybe it's because it feels like we're both in our deathbeds, so it's a good time to discuss life (and sometimes love). I always just nod and say, "Uh-huh," because unlike my sister, I don't talk to my mum about my "problems."

My mum always says to me, "Don't be angry at people; you're the only one who will suffer because they don't know or care that you're angry at them. They will go on living their life happily while you struggle emotionally." Mother is not wrong there. So yes, let's not be angry and let's just all be friends. Group hug, everyone!

poker

Hanging out with your ex-boyfriend is a bad idea. Every aspect of your relationship is different now. From the way he looks at you to the way he treats you. He doesn't look at you in that adoring way anymore, or he doesn't even look at you at all for that matter. Have you ever been to a party and wondered, "Would anyone really miss me if I wasn't here?" So, why bother hanging out with someone who doesn't adore you anymore when you can hang out with someone who does? It's better to be around someone who thinks that you're amazing rather than someone who used to think that. It's better to be good company than being white noise.

Believe it or not, but sometimes I like to be alone too. I like lying in bed and just having my pug, Socks, sleep in my arms, with his chubby body close to me and just watching him sleep. Is that how a mother feels? I remember how I loved sleeping with my mum when I was little. I was so happy when my dad went fishing for the whole weekend. When I was five years old, we lived in Malaysia where it was hot, and my mum fanned me until I fell asleep. One time, she fanned me and thought that I was asleep, so she stopped. I guess her arm was aching from repeating that gesture for over an hour. I poked her to continue, and she did, but for some reason, I couldn't fall asleep. So I kept on poking her every time she stopped fanning. After a few pokes, she got fed up with me, smacked me gently on the head with the fan, and apparently, that put me to sleep.