the one that got away

I had another dream about her. These recurring dreams visit sporadically, delivering the same message. It's always about the same girl, the same longing. I tend to wake up before each dream reaches its climax. These dreams always end the same way: with her arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, whispering into my ear... "Everything is going to be alright, we can go back to how we used to be."

LN and I met at St Mary's during the Sixth Grade Orientation Day. Since it was a non-Asian populated all-girls high school, it made sense to the Year Coordinator to introduce the only two Asians to each other. LN and I didn't hit it off; I thought she was too talkative and too cool for me. It's funny how toward the end of our friendship, I became the talkative one, while she remained the cool one. From grades 7 to 9, we were just acquaintances who shared some classes. The only quality time we spent together was the daily 5-minute walks from the bus stop to the school, and that was as far as our friendship went.

We got to know each other better in 10th grade and were inseparable from then on. LN's quirky and unpredictable personality complemented my neurotic and impulsive character. I came up with the crazy ideas; she helped execute them without any hesitation. She was my partner in crime and the co-author of my list of mischiefs. We skipped school together to satisfy our Yum Cha cravings and took naps beside each other at the park. We told each other everything, dissected our relationships to pieces, and overanalysed our personality traits, thoughts, and life aspirations. We shared our secrets and other people's secrets. When we hit 18, we also hit the clubs and bars together—it was just the two of us on the dance floor in a sea of strangers. She was the pearl to my Bubble Tea and I was the beef to her Pho soup.

I spent a portion of my adolescence and early twenties with LN; she was my faithful sidekick. LN was a big part of my life, so without her here now, there's an empty void that I can't ignore. There's no doubt that I have others I hold close to me, and maybe closer, but I've never met anyone as loving, dedicated, and considerate as LN. I didn't want to admit it then, but our friendship was more of my loss than it was hers.