Adobe Dreamweaver CS3 and Fireworks CS3 training sessions are now marked in my work calendar. My colleague finds my enthusiasm for software training amusing, noting that I’m not usually one to get excited about such things. Maybe it’s the nerd inside me making a comeback after a decade-long hiatus. I miss that nerd.
This feels like being an 18-year-old trapeze artist, reminiscing about peak moments and wondering if everything is downhill from here. Knowing that my last perfect swing won’t be repeated and that my headstand routine will never again have the same flair.
Don’t tell me I’m being melodramatic; I know I am. I’m not fishing for compliments.
It’s just hard being human sometimes.
Deep down, I know I’m a unique and perfect creation of Christ, loved with a sacrificial love that envelops all the darkness in my life. But stuck in this human shell, I have days of anguish, like anyone else who dares to admit it. Lately, I've been struggling with my self-worth. Maybe it’s my successful friends to blame—most of whom are Law graduates and IT whizzes. I’m usually content with myself, but sometimes I wonder if I could be more.
Sometimes I wish my life was different. If I had studied hard and attended school and university like an obedient daughter, I might have turned out better. But the truth is, I peaked in junior high. By senior school, I was lazy, rebellious, and too stubborn to do things the proper way. With my previously impressive academic record and my innocent exterior—crisp white blouse and neat pleated skirt—I got away with skipping classes and late assignments. I figured it was okay to take shortcuts as long as the results were almost the same. I taught myself that words could take you further than works; I let my charm lead the way rather than my effort because humans are fickle and tend to play favourites.
Most days, I’m a happy girl. I appreciate my job and like my colleagues (only saying that because I know one of them has access to this blog site). I’ve been blessed with this position, even though I’m under qualified and just interviewed well. I’m thankful for my job and the positive feedback from my superiors.
But some days, I feel like a one-hit wonder.
4 comments:
I remember your peak days in HS, you were too ashamed to tell us your maths mark when you got 90+ % !
The way i see it, we should have stuck by Denzel...
All that sounds so familiar to me!
For me, I continued to excel throughout uni, but my I began not to place as much emphasis on my career ambitions as I used to. I think God taught me what was really important & as I discovered myself, climbing the ladder didn't really fit into my plans as much anymore.
Yup, all my relatives thought I was going to be the high-flyer (of course, I WAS dux in year 12!). So now that I'm working in a Christian organisation & not in some high-paying big corporate firm like Mac Bank, they ask me why. My dad also commented that I'll always be mediocre just because I don't aim high.
But you know, I'm happy where I'm at. I'd rather be happy than do what others expect & be miserable. It's a lifestyle choice for me.
I'm sure you've got all the potential, Julz. :)
P.S.: I'd love to learn how to use those softwares too. I've got a nerd inside me as well! ;P
i didn't think YOU'D ever struggle with your self-worth?!
I sometimes wonder what it is that we value and consider 'ambitious'.
Can the desire to be a mother of 5 be considered 'ambitious'? Or how about a church planter in some remote third world country?
Thanks for your post Julz...
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