the first move

I'm mentally practicing the art of asking a guy out. Well, I'm technically not going to ask him out, but just hinting for him to ask me out. Or at least manipulate him into asking me to meet up in a non-committal way, just as friends, just because. But I do, of course, have somewhat of a hidden agenda. Only not a very well-hidden one. It's like an agenda wearing a fake moustache and aviator glasses. You know it's meant to be a hidden plan, but the whole disguised aspect just really isn't working. My best friend says that I'm so transparent that I can't even pretend to hide my sneaky intentions.

I'm not one to take the first step. I'm a chicken nugget, and my friends think that guys are afraid of me. They've got good reasons to, and they're damn right in trusting their instincts. If I weren't me, I'd warn guys to stay the hell away from me. She's a mess when it comes to relationships! Run! And don't look back! But, being me, it's my own mental health I need to look out for. I'm only kidding. I've grown up since last year (but it's only March!), and I think I'm much more mature when it comes to relationships. So this is me, casually wading in the kiddie pool of "taking the first step." In the hopes that maybe, just maybe, one day I will dare to jump in the deep end. Without my floaties.

My friend has been contemplating for months about asking her crush out. I've tried to motivate her, but she's still not game enough. I guess it's because she likes him a lot, so she's got a lot to risk (like her dignity, job, reputation at work, you know, nothing major). So I have it easier because this guy and I don't really know each other yet, but we had that comfortable vibe going from the beginning, so that makes it less painful. Besides, I'm gambling with free money here. I have absolutely nothing to lose. I'm not even asking him out; I'm just going to talk to him, and if he wants to ask me out, then that's up to him. (Though, I know I'll be disappointed, my ego will be bruised, and I'll whinge about it if he doesn't).

Someone told me that the next person I go out with could be someone I might end up with. Only because we're all getting old! I mean, there's no point in engaging in another three-year relationship and ending up with nothing/no one. It's all about investing now, eh? Are we only supposed to date marriage material guys now?

the crush

I couldn't sleep last night, but I jumped out of bed when my first alarm went off (I set three alarms every night; yeah, it takes a lot to wake me up). I'm even wearing eyeliner. I got to work on time, said hi to the people in the elevator, and asked my colleagues how their weekend was. I don't feel at all hungry, and lunch is approaching.

I must be feeling happy.

friends before men

Relationships aren't as simple as they used to be. Whatever happened to the innocent days when we met someone, sparks flew, there was chemistry, and we soon progressed to the ritual of dating?

Nowadays, a relationship doesn't involve just the two people; other parties somehow get tangled in the situation. It's not just the two of us anymore. There are other people to consider and other issues to fix. At the end of the day, you wonder if it's even worth the trouble.

Is it because we're all getting older, so everything has to get harder? I remember the days when satisfaction came from just walking hand in hand with my boyfriend to the bus stop or walking and talking alongside him as he mowed his lawn. Those innocent days are over. Now, when you meet someone new, they don't come as single as they look. Some come with emotional baggage, an ex-girlfriend, or disapproving friends. All these aspects almost outweigh the potential relationship itself. I guess at one stage or another, we must draw the line to decide where our priorities lie and if it's worth taking the plunge.

playing the field

You have to resist temptation. It's something we all need to do at one time or another. If you think about it, you can probably relate this statement to something you crave but shouldn't have, or even more frustrating—can't have. Be good. Think twice, even if it's something as innocent as eating another piece of chocolate cake when you've already had three.

When placed in a sticky situation, do you allow your principles to decide or do you follow your heart? Sometimes I just want to throw away my mental rule book and let my instincts guide me. Lately, I've been more adventurous than ever before. I think when you have nothing to lose and you believe you cannot feel any lower, it's safe to aim high because if you fail, you'll just fall back to where you were. Things you thought were out of your league are suddenly within your reach. You embrace it, determined to let it be only a temporary craze because you don't want anything to tie you down now.

Unsure of what you're searching for, but positive of what you don't need, how will you ever know when something good hits you? I've been cruising along, like a bird flying high and not following any particular path. I've left my map at home, yet I find great pleasure in knowing that I'm in no rush to find the right direction.

freedom

I think I've gone through a lot of changes in the past week, a lot more than I did in the past year. When you're forced to stand up on your own, you learn to depend on yourself. You don't need to rely on another person to make you happy. I love this feeling.

Hello, World!

closure

In the spur of the moment, your mind freezes for a second, your senses are delayed, and the world feels like an awakened dream. Your heart starts beating faster, your head switches back on, and you feel the heat rising. Dusty thoughts revisit your mind, your sanity - scattered.

Time slowed down as I realised that it wasn't meant to be. Thank God I came to my senses and stepped on the brakes before it was too late. We're not 16-17 years old anymore; the past should be left in the past, or it will steal the future.

It’s time to move on. The person who broke you can’t be the one to repair you.

sealed with a kiss

I have a letter for you, I keep it in the back pocket of my mind but it's all about you, I wrote it after today, I'm sending it into space, maybe one day it will reach you.

rock bottom

When you've fallen to rock bottom, the only way is up, right? Unless you choose to dig deeper, creating a bigger grave for yourself.

I've pinched myself several times today to remind me that this is it. The missing pieces have gradually shaped themselves into the current puzzle, and I don't like the complete picture. Over the past year, I've watched things change, slowly and steadily. It's like eating popcorn; you start with a full box, and you slowly eat it, not noticing how little by little it's disappearing. By the end of the movie, your hand reaches into an empty box, and you find yourself grasping at thin air.

Sometimes it's hard to notice that something is missing until it's completely gone.